A Few Smiles to See you through the day.

Husband: "I bought Olympic condoms today and I think I will use the Golden one tonight".
Wife: "Oh no, why not rather the silver one, so that you can come second for a change".

Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"

Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.

The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“

A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“
Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale

Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“

Why are men so bad at both romping and driving…,
because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What is the resemblance between men and clouds? Eventually they both leave and it is a lovely day.

What is the difference between Hide And Seek and teenage romping?
Nothing..1,2,3, here I come.

What is the similarities between burnt toasted bread and a pregnant girl.
In both instances you wish you had taken it out earlier.

Why does the baldhead man’s pockets have holes in it.. so that he can every now –and-then pull his fingers thru his hair“

A Flea ran into a bar and chased 5 dubble brandies down, ran out, jumped in the air but fell flat on his mouth, he jumped up and shouted: ”Who the heck stole my dog!“

Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size.....?

Young women is being learning to play golf when a Bee stings her. Rather up-set she walked back to the clubhouse when her professional coach saw her and asked her what is the matter. She replied that a bee has stung her. He then asked her where: ”Between the first and the second hole“ she replied. ”I told you before that you are standing with your legs too far apart“ he said.

2 make it stand, u wet it.
2 make it wet, u suck it,
To make it stiff, u lick it,
2 get it in, u push it.
Damn threading a needle at age 50+ is no joke!

Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words??

Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone: ”Born as a virgin…Lived as a virgin…Died as a virgin.“ The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and shortened it to have the same meaning: ”Returned unopened“.

Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“



Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage

Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.