Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
A Few Smiles to See you through the day.
Husband: "I bought Olympic condoms today and I think I will use the Golden one tonight".
Wife: "Oh no, why not rather the silver one, so that you can come second for a change".
Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"
Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.
The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“
A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“
Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale
Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“
Why are men so bad at both romping and driving…,
because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.
What is the resemblance between men and clouds? Eventually they both leave and it is a lovely day.
What is the difference between Hide And Seek and teenage romping?
Nothing..1,2,3, here I come.
What is the similarities between burnt toasted bread and a pregnant girl.
In both instances you wish you had taken it out earlier.
Why does the baldhead man’s pockets have holes in it.. so that he can every now –and-then pull his fingers thru his hair“
A Flea ran into a bar and chased 5 dubble brandies down, ran out, jumped in the air but fell flat on his mouth, he jumped up and shouted: ”Who the heck stole my dog!“
Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size.....?
Young women is being learning to play golf when a Bee stings her. Rather up-set she walked back to the clubhouse when her professional coach saw her and asked her what is the matter. She replied that a bee has stung her. He then asked her where: ”Between the first and the second hole“ she replied. ”I told you before that you are standing with your legs too far apart“ he said.
2 make it stand, u wet it.
2 make it wet, u suck it,
To make it stiff, u lick it,
2 get it in, u push it.
Damn threading a needle at age 50+ is no joke!
Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words??
Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone: ”Born as a virgin…Lived as a virgin…Died as a virgin.“ The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and shortened it to have the same meaning: ”Returned unopened“.
Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“
Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Wife: "Oh no, why not rather the silver one, so that you can come second for a change".
Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"
Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.
The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“
A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“
Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale
Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“
Why are men so bad at both romping and driving…,
because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.
What is the resemblance between men and clouds? Eventually they both leave and it is a lovely day.
What is the difference between Hide And Seek and teenage romping?
Nothing..1,2,3, here I come.
What is the similarities between burnt toasted bread and a pregnant girl.
In both instances you wish you had taken it out earlier.
Why does the baldhead man’s pockets have holes in it.. so that he can every now –and-then pull his fingers thru his hair“
A Flea ran into a bar and chased 5 dubble brandies down, ran out, jumped in the air but fell flat on his mouth, he jumped up and shouted: ”Who the heck stole my dog!“
Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size.....?
Young women is being learning to play golf when a Bee stings her. Rather up-set she walked back to the clubhouse when her professional coach saw her and asked her what is the matter. She replied that a bee has stung her. He then asked her where: ”Between the first and the second hole“ she replied. ”I told you before that you are standing with your legs too far apart“ he said.
2 make it stand, u wet it.
2 make it wet, u suck it,
To make it stiff, u lick it,
2 get it in, u push it.
Damn threading a needle at age 50+ is no joke!
Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words??
Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone: ”Born as a virgin…Lived as a virgin…Died as a virgin.“ The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and shortened it to have the same meaning: ”Returned unopened“.
Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“
Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
All Employees
To: All Employees
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Lunch Breaks:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Lunch Breaks:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Few Good Laughs.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.
The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.
The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.
A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
Blonde haircut
A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."
Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!""Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.
The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.
The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.
A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
Blonde haircut
A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."
Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!""Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Why oh WHY???
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Monday, September 03, 2007
Choices
Choices !!!
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Smile it Increases your face Value!
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Smile it Increases your face Value!
Married Men
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Young man My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Young man My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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