My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.**********
Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.**********
For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.**********
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.**********
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car**********
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."**********
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.**********
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?**********
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.**********
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.**********
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.**********
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.**********
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"**********
Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."**********
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"**********
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"**********
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
A Few Smiles to See you through the day.
Husband: "I bought Olympic condoms today and I think I will use the Golden one tonight".
Wife: "Oh no, why not rather the silver one, so that you can come second for a change".
Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"
Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.
The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“
A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“
Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale
Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“
Why are men so bad at both romping and driving…,
because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.
What is the resemblance between men and clouds? Eventually they both leave and it is a lovely day.
What is the difference between Hide And Seek and teenage romping?
Nothing..1,2,3, here I come.
What is the similarities between burnt toasted bread and a pregnant girl.
In both instances you wish you had taken it out earlier.
Why does the baldhead man’s pockets have holes in it.. so that he can every now –and-then pull his fingers thru his hair“
A Flea ran into a bar and chased 5 dubble brandies down, ran out, jumped in the air but fell flat on his mouth, he jumped up and shouted: ”Who the heck stole my dog!“
Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size.....?
Young women is being learning to play golf when a Bee stings her. Rather up-set she walked back to the clubhouse when her professional coach saw her and asked her what is the matter. She replied that a bee has stung her. He then asked her where: ”Between the first and the second hole“ she replied. ”I told you before that you are standing with your legs too far apart“ he said.
2 make it stand, u wet it.
2 make it wet, u suck it,
To make it stiff, u lick it,
2 get it in, u push it.
Damn threading a needle at age 50+ is no joke!
Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words??
Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone: ”Born as a virgin…Lived as a virgin…Died as a virgin.“ The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and shortened it to have the same meaning: ”Returned unopened“.
Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“
Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Wife: "Oh no, why not rather the silver one, so that you can come second for a change".
Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"
Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.
The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“
A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“
Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale
Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“
Why are men so bad at both romping and driving…,
because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.
What is the resemblance between men and clouds? Eventually they both leave and it is a lovely day.
What is the difference between Hide And Seek and teenage romping?
Nothing..1,2,3, here I come.
What is the similarities between burnt toasted bread and a pregnant girl.
In both instances you wish you had taken it out earlier.
Why does the baldhead man’s pockets have holes in it.. so that he can every now –and-then pull his fingers thru his hair“
A Flea ran into a bar and chased 5 dubble brandies down, ran out, jumped in the air but fell flat on his mouth, he jumped up and shouted: ”Who the heck stole my dog!“
Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size.....?
Young women is being learning to play golf when a Bee stings her. Rather up-set she walked back to the clubhouse when her professional coach saw her and asked her what is the matter. She replied that a bee has stung her. He then asked her where: ”Between the first and the second hole“ she replied. ”I told you before that you are standing with your legs too far apart“ he said.
2 make it stand, u wet it.
2 make it wet, u suck it,
To make it stiff, u lick it,
2 get it in, u push it.
Damn threading a needle at age 50+ is no joke!
Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words??
Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone: ”Born as a virgin…Lived as a virgin…Died as a virgin.“ The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and shortened it to have the same meaning: ”Returned unopened“.
Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“
Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage
Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
All Employees
To: All Employees
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Lunch Breaks:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Lunch Breaks:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
Surgery:As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Few Good Laughs.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.
The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.
The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.
A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
Blonde haircut
A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."
Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!""Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.
The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.
The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.
A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
Blonde haircut
A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."
Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!""Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Why oh WHY???
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Monday, September 03, 2007
Choices
Choices !!!
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Smile it Increases your face Value!
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"
Smile it Increases your face Value!
Married Men
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Young man My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Young man My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Friday, August 31, 2007
Adam & Eve
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Actual Medical Observations
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Job Application at McDonald
This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Oh Adam
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What`s wrong with you?" Adam said he didn`t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you`ve had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest, as they say, is history.......................
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you`ve had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest, as they say, is history.......................
A MAN'S DIFFERENT PERIODS OF SUCCESS
To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age:
At age 4, success is not wetting his pants.
Between age 15 and 30, success is "getting a little."
Between age 31 and 64, success is about career and/or family.
Between age 65 and 89, success is "getting a little."
At age 90, success is not wetting his pants.
At age 4, success is not wetting his pants.
Between age 15 and 30, success is "getting a little."
Between age 31 and 64, success is about career and/or family.
Between age 65 and 89, success is "getting a little."
At age 90, success is not wetting his pants.
Doctor Doctor
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I`m doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I`m doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You`re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Enjoy n Smile
A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing ............ ....She had him arrested.When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,
Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,
Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'And The case was dismissed... .....!!!
Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,
Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'And The case was dismissed... .....!!!
Friday, August 10, 2007
Blonde Humour
FIRST DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the phone rang, At 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up The phone, listened a moment and said " How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife Answered, "I don't know, some Woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One Notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down To pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The Second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the First blonde hands her the compact. The second One looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on Her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to His apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her Purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, She is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and Puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask Me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde Replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told Her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The Professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then Finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to Find her house ransacked and burglarized. She Telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the Radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the First to respond. As the K-9 officer approached The house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran Out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I Come home to find all my possessions stolen. I Call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
SECOND DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One Notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down To pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The Second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the First blonde hands her the compact. The second One looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on Her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to His apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her Purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, She is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and Puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask Me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde Replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told Her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The Professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then Finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to Find her house ransacked and burglarized. She Telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the Radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the First to respond. As the K-9 officer approached The house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran Out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I Come home to find all my possessions stolen. I Call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
$20.00
$20.00
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special - Don't EVER forget it."
If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special - Don't EVER forget it."
If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Some Good Advice We Should all try to follow
Why wait until your old & grey to taste all that's Possible.
Try to eat the food you need, & do the things you should.
But life's so short, my friend,
You'd hate missing out on something good,
You realize how quickly you get old & you haven't beenthis old before.""So, before you leave this world, try those things that for years you've tried to ignore".
You haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
Too many books you haven't read.
There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down & kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls you haven't shopped.
You've not laughed at all the jokes.
You've missed a lot of Broadway hits & potato chips & cokes.
Go wade again in water & feel the ocean spray on your face.
Go sit in a church once more & thank God for His grace.
Put peanut butter every day spread it on your toast.
Make Un-timed long distance calls to the folks you love the most.
So, if you choose to have dessert,instead of having dinner,
Then should you die before night fall, I'd say you died a winner,
Because you missed out on nothing.
You filled what your heart desired.
You had that final chocolate mousse before your life expired.
We need an annual Friends Day!
Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy. PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU WANT TO. Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love & respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!!
Try to eat the food you need, & do the things you should.
But life's so short, my friend,
You'd hate missing out on something good,
You realize how quickly you get old & you haven't beenthis old before.""So, before you leave this world, try those things that for years you've tried to ignore".
You haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
Too many books you haven't read.
There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down & kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls you haven't shopped.
You've not laughed at all the jokes.
You've missed a lot of Broadway hits & potato chips & cokes.
Go wade again in water & feel the ocean spray on your face.
Go sit in a church once more & thank God for His grace.
Put peanut butter every day spread it on your toast.
Make Un-timed long distance calls to the folks you love the most.
So, if you choose to have dessert,instead of having dinner,
Then should you die before night fall, I'd say you died a winner,
Because you missed out on nothing.
You filled what your heart desired.
You had that final chocolate mousse before your life expired.
We need an annual Friends Day!
Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy. PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU WANT TO. Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love & respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!!
Friday, August 03, 2007
Worth our weight in Gold
$20.00
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special - Don't EVER forget it."
Count your blessings, not your problems.
"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.
You are special - Don't EVER forget it."
Count your blessings, not your problems.
"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Every one Needs A Miracle
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from itshiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Threetimes, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, sheslipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but hewas too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she couldmuster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he saidwithout waiting for a reply to his question."Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in thesame annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle.""I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist."His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and myDaddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?" "We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,"the pharmacist said, softening a little."Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get therest. Just tell me how much it costs."The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and askedthe little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"" I don't know,"Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he'sreally sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.""How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago ."One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly."And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.""Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---theexact price of a miracle for little brothers."He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet yourparents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need." That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing inneuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led themto this place."That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how muchit would have cost?"Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar andeleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.
Enjoy n Smile
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, wed hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and were afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we cant hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Ill stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?
Dont Work LATE
Letter from N R Narayanamurthy on working late. PLEASE READ & THINK... Narayana Murthy's views on staying late in the office To: Dear All, It's half past 8 in the office but the lights are still on... PCs still running, coffee machines still buzzing... and who's at work? Most of them??? Take a closer look... All or most specimens are??-Something male species of the human race... Look closer... again all or most of them are bachelors... and why are they sitting late? Working hard? No way!!! Any guesses??? Let's ask one of them... Here's what he says... "What's there 2 do after going home... here we get to surf, AC, phone, food, coffee... that is why I am working late... importantly no bossssssss!! This is the scene in most research centres and software companies and other offshore offices. Bachelors "time-passing" during late hours in the office just bcoz they say they've nothing else to do... Now what r the consequences. . Read on... "Working"(for the record only) late hours soon becomes part of the institute or company culture. With bosses more than eager to provide support to those "working" late in the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and of course good feedback,(oh, he's a hard worker... goes home only to change..!!). They aren't helping things too... To hell with bosses who don't understand the difference between "sitting" late and "working" late!!! Very soon, the boss starts expecting all employees to put in extra working hours. So, My dear Bachelors let me tell you, life changes when u get married and start having a family... office is no longer a priority, family is... and that's when the problem starts... bcoz u start having commitments at home too. For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy suddenly seems to become an "early leaver" even if u leaves an hour after regular time. . After doing the same amount of work. People leaving on time after doing their tasks for the day are labelled as work-shirkers. Girls who thankfully always (its changing nowadays... though) leave on time are labelled as "not up to it". All the while, the bachelors pat their own backs and carry on "working" not realizing that they r spoiling the work culture at their own place and never realize that they would have to regret at one point of time. So what's the moral of the story?? Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME !!! Never put in extra time " *unless really needed *" Don't stay back un-necessarily and spoil your company work culture which will in turn cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues. There are hundred other things to do in the evening...Learn music...Learn a foreign language...try a sport... TT, cricket...Importantly Get a girl friend or gal friend, take him/her around town...* and for heaven's sake net cafe rates have dropped to an all-time low (plus, no fire-walls) and try cooking for a change. Take a tip from the Smirnoff ad: *"Life's calling, where are you??"* Please pass on this message to all those colleagues and please do it before leaving time, don't stay back till midnight to forward this!!! IT'S A TYPICAL INDIAN MENTALITY THAT WORKING FOR LONG HOURS MEANS VERY HARD WORKING & 100% COMMITMENT ETC. PEOPLE WHO REGULARLY SIT LATE IN THE OFFICE DON'T KNOW TO MANAGE THEIR TIME.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Confused Jesus
This one's a little lengthy but worth the read.
Subject: Jesus, Joseph, & St Peter
Saint Peter asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, so he can tak a much needed break & Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a
donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has
carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the
gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life & explain why
he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In Italy I am Giuseppe. In American, my
name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or
Italy. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood.
I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost
everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was
more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He
was ridiculed by many, & was even known to associate
himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he
himself tried to be honest & perfect. My single biggest
reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with
my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the
old man's eyes & asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and beams, "Pinocchio?"
Saint Peter asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, so he can tak a much needed break & Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a
donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has
carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the
gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life & explain why
he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In Italy I am Giuseppe. In American, my
name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or
Italy. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood.
I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost
everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was
more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He
was ridiculed by many, & was even known to associate
himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he
himself tried to be honest & perfect. My single biggest
reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with
my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the
old man's eyes & asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and beams, "Pinocchio?"
Friday, January 12, 2007
COFFEE CUPS
COFFEE CUPS
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite. He told the group to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the
source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups....and then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of the Life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that has been provided us......Enjoy your coffee!" The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
You are the miracle, my friend, your life either shines a light - or casts a shadow.
Oh, I do enjoy my coffee every second of every day...
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite. He told the group to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the
source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups....and then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of the Life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that has been provided us......Enjoy your coffee!" The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
You are the miracle, my friend, your life either shines a light - or casts a shadow.
Oh, I do enjoy my coffee every second of every day...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
DEEP THOUGHTS
Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously...
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like.... Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like.... Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
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