Fun World

2008-03-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

Irish Pub Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.”
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma'am I see you're from Florida.”
The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”
The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida.”
The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.
“You gave me the wrong key!”

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

2007-11-08T07:57:00.000-08:00

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.**********

Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.**********

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.**********

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.**********

Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car**********

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."**********

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.**********

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?**********

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.**********

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.**********

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.**********

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.**********

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"**********

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."**********

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"**********

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"**********

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

Grin N Grin

2007-09-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

1- Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

*******************************
2- Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the
other ensures you continue to do so.

*******************************
3- Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

*******************************
4- Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"
*******************************

5- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

*******************************
6- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give
up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

*******************************
7- A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

******************************
8- Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

*******************************
9- Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
Millionaire: "Billionaire"
*******************************

10- Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. Hahahahaha

*******************************
11- A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or
my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, " Where's the car?" She replied, " In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt Her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.So I got myself two girlfriends.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: " Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same: "You can have mine."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A Few Smiles to See you through the day.

2007-09-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

Husband: "I bought Olympic condoms today and I think I will use the Golden one tonight".
Wife: "Oh no, why not rather the silver one, so that you can come second for a change".

Husband was suspecting his wife was sleeping around and said: "It appears I am playing second fiddle" when his wife replied: "With a fiddle like yours you should be gratefull that you are playing in the orchestra at all!"

Teenager goes to watch a strip show. His mother found out about this and was furious with him asking him: ” And did u by any chance see anything u should not have!“ when he replied: ”Yes, DAD“.

The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“

A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“
Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale

Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:
“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“

Why are men so bad at both romping and driving…,
because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What is the resemblance between men and clouds? Eventually they both leave and it is a lovely day.

What is the difference between Hide And Seek and teenage romping?
Nothing..1,2,3, here I come.

What is the similarities between burnt toasted bread and a pregnant girl.
In both instances you wish you had taken it out earlier.

Why does the baldhead man’s pockets have holes in it.. so that he can every now –and-then pull his fingers thru his hair“

A Flea ran into a bar and chased 5 dubble brandies down, ran out, jumped in the air but fell flat on his mouth, he jumped up and shouted: ”Who the heck stole my dog!“

Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size.....?

Young women is being learning to play golf when a Bee stings her. Rather up-set she walked back to the clubhouse when her professional coach saw her and asked her what is the matter. She replied that a bee has stung her. He then asked her where: ”Between the first and the second hole“ she replied. ”I told you before that you are standing with your legs too far apart“ he said.

2 make it stand, u wet it.
2 make it wet, u suck it,
To make it stiff, u lick it,
2 get it in, u push it.
Damn threading a needle at age 50+ is no joke!

Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“
He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words??

Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone: ”Born as a virgin…Lived as a virgin…Died as a virgin.“ The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and shortened it to have the same meaning: ”Returned unopened“.

Granny gets on to her bicycle…her little grandson asked her: ”Where are you going to, Granny?“ She replied:“ to the graveyard, my boy“. Grandson: “but who is going to bring the bicycle back?“

Definition of a Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Definition of a Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Definition of a Divorce : Future tense of marriage

Definition of a Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

All Employees

2007-09-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

To: All Employees

Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Lunch Breaks:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

Surgery:As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Few Good Laughs.

2007-09-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.
The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.
The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.
A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."

Blonde haircut

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."

Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you''re masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!""Well," said Banta, "Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

2007-09-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Why oh WHY???

2007-09-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Choices

2007-09-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Choices !!!
A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

Smile it Increases your face Value!

Married Men

2007-09-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Young man My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Adam & Eve

2007-08-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

Adam Talks All About Eve

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

Actual Medical Observations

2007-08-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Job Application at McDonald

2007-08-31T08:55:00.000-07:00

This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Oh Adam

2007-08-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What`s wrong with you?" Adam said he didn`t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you`ve had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest, as they say, is history.......................

A MAN'S DIFFERENT PERIODS OF SUCCESS

2007-08-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age:
At age 4, success is not wetting his pants.
Between age 15 and 30, success is "getting a little."
Between age 31 and 64, success is about career and/or family.
Between age 65 and 89, success is "getting a little."
At age 90, success is not wetting his pants.

Doctor Doctor

2007-08-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I`m doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I`m doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You`re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Enjoy n Smile

2007-08-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing ............ ....She had him arrested.When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'And The case was dismissed... .....!!!

Blonde Humour

2007-08-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

FIRST DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the phone rang, At 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up The phone, listened a moment and said " How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife Answered, "I don't know, some Woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One Notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down To pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The Second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the First blonde hands her the compact. The second One looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on Her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to His apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her Purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, She is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and Puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask Me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde Replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told Her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE: Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The Professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then Finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to Find her house ransacked and burglarized. She Telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the Radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the First to respond. As the K-9 officer approached The house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran Out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the Cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I Come home to find all my possessions stolen. I Call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

$20.00

2007-08-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

$20.00
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:

holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

Some Good Advice We Should all try to follow

2007-08-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Why wait until your old & grey to taste all that's Possible.
Try to eat the food you need, & do the things you should.
But life's so short, my friend,
You'd hate missing out on something good,
You realize how quickly you get old & you haven't beenthis old before.""So, before you leave this world, try those things that for years you've tried to ignore".

You haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
Too many books you haven't read.
There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down & kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls you haven't shopped.
You've not laughed at all the jokes.
You've missed a lot of Broadway hits & potato chips & cokes.
Go wade again in water & feel the ocean spray on your face.
Go sit in a church once more & thank God for His grace.
Put peanut butter every day spread it on your toast.
Make Un-timed long distance calls to the folks you love the most.

So, if you choose to have dessert,instead of having dinner,
Then should you die before night fall, I'd say you died a winner,
Because you missed out on nothing.
You filled what your heart desired.
You had that final chocolate mousse before your life expired.
We need an annual Friends Day!
Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy. PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU WANT TO. Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love & respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!!

Worth our weight in Gold

2007-08-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

$20.00
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:

holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

Count your blessings, not your problems.

"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

Every one Needs A Miracle

2007-08-03T11:52:00.000-07:00

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from itshiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Threetimes, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, sheslipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but hewas too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she couldmuster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he saidwithout waiting for a reply to his question."Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in thesame annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle.""I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist."His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and myDaddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?" "We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,"the pharmacist said, softening a little."Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get therest. Just tell me how much it costs."The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and askedthe little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"" I don't know,"Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he'sreally sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.""How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago ."One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly."And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.""Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---theexact price of a miracle for little brothers."He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet yourparents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need." That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing inneuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led themto this place."That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how muchit would have cost?"Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar andeleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Enjoy n Smile

2007-08-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, wed hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and were afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we cant hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, Ill stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

Dont Work LATE

2007-08-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

Letter from N R Narayanamurthy on working late. PLEASE READ & THINK... Narayana Murthy's views on staying late in the office To: Dear All, It's half past 8 in the office but the lights are still on... PCs still running, coffee machines still buzzing... and who's at work? Most of them??? Take a closer look... All or most specimens are??-Something male species of the human race... Look closer... again all or most of them are bachelors... and why are they sitting late? Working hard? No way!!! Any guesses??? Let's ask one of them... Here's what he says... "What's there 2 do after going home... here we get to surf, AC, phone, food, coffee... that is why I am working late... importantly no bossssssss!! This is the scene in most research centres and software companies and other offshore offices. Bachelors "time-passing" during late hours in the office just bcoz they say they've nothing else to do... Now what r the consequences. . Read on... "Working"(for the record only) late hours soon becomes part of the institute or company culture. With bosses more than eager to provide support to those "working" late in the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and of course good feedback,(oh, he's a hard worker... goes home only to change..!!). They aren't helping things too... To hell with bosses who don't understand the difference between "sitting" late and "working" late!!! Very soon, the boss starts expecting all employees to put in extra working hours. So, My dear Bachelors let me tell you, life changes when u get married and start having a family... office is no longer a priority, family is... and that's when the problem starts... bcoz u start having commitments at home too. For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy suddenly seems to become an "early leaver" even if u leaves an hour after regular time. . After doing the same amount of work. People leaving on time after doing their tasks for the day are labelled as work-shirkers. Girls who thankfully always (its changing nowadays... though) leave on time are labelled as "not up to it". All the while, the bachelors pat their own backs and carry on "working" not realizing that they r spoiling the work culture at their own place and never realize that they would have to regret at one point of time. So what's the moral of the story?? Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME !!! Never put in extra time " *unless really needed *" Don't stay back un-necessarily and spoil your company work culture which will in turn cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues. There are hundred other things to do in the evening...Learn music...Learn a foreign language...try a sport... TT, cricket...Importantly Get a girl friend or gal friend, take him/her around town...* and for heaven's sake net cafe rates have dropped to an all-time low (plus, no fire-walls) and try cooking for a change. Take a tip from the Smirnoff ad: *"Life's calling, where are you??"* Please pass on this message to all those colleagues and please do it before leaving time, don't stay back till midnight to forward this!!! IT'S A TYPICAL INDIAN MENTALITY THAT WORKING FOR LONG HOURS MEANS VERY HARD WORKING & 100% COMMITMENT ETC. PEOPLE WHO REGULARLY SIT LATE IN THE OFFICE DON'T KNOW TO MANAGE THEIR TIME.

Confused Jesus

2007-03-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

This one's a little lengthy but worth the read.

Subject: Jesus, Joseph, & St Peter
Saint Peter asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, so he can tak a much needed break & Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a
donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has
carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the
gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life & explain why
he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In Italy I am Giuseppe. In American, my
name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or
Italy. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood.
I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost
everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was
more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He
was ridiculed by many, & was even known to associate
himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he
himself tried to be honest & perfect. My single biggest
reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with
my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the
old man's eyes & asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and beams, "Pinocchio?"

COFFEE CUPS

2007-01-12T06:11:00.000-08:00

COFFEE CUPS
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite. He told the group to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:

"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the
source of your problems and stress.

Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups....and then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of the Life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that has been provided us......Enjoy your coffee!" The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

You are the miracle, my friend, your life either shines a light - or casts a shadow.

Oh, I do enjoy my coffee every second of every day...

DEEP THOUGHTS

2007-01-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously...
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like.... Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.

2006-12-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

Why are Pringles curved?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

Can bald men get lice??

How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?

Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?

Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?

If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?

How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?

Is sign language the same in languages other than English?

Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun toeat a big one?

Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?

Can you cry under water?

Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?

If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?

Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?

Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Can you blow a balloon up under water?

Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?

If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?

If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?

Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?

What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?

Funny Thoughts
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Do stairs go up or down?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?

If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?

USEFUL AT WORK.

2006-12-19T09:48:00.000-08:00

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks !?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you ?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

GIFT

2006-12-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

GIFT

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she saw everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her," now that you can see the world, will you marry me?"
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too, and refused to marry
him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her Saying,

"Just take care of my eyes dear."

This is how human brain changes when our status changes. Only few remember what life
was before, and who's always been there even in the most painful situations.

"GIFT"

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

2006-12-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Murphy's Other Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Bright future For This Chap. / Tooooo Good

2006-12-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?" Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! "Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreedto take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade.

"Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.Ms Neelam asks! ,

"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Boy. was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting downand a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blowme, you feel good.Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with aquiver.Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand. Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

EDUCATIVE MAIL FOR ALL WOMEN.

2006-12-01T06:17:00.000-08:00

Gotta love this one!!!!!
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by aparticularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for acouple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollarsand asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with itinstead of dinner?
""No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.

""Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked."
Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman."I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!

""Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded.

"Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."The woman replied,

"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

GOOD OLD DAYS

2006-12-01T06:01:00.000-08:00

Good old days!!!!!
When gulli-danda and kanche (marbles) were more popular than cricket..
When we always had friends to play aais-paais (I Spy),chhepan-chhepaiand pitthoo anytime .
When we desperately waited for 'yeh jo hai jindagi'..
When chitrahaar, vikram-baitaal, dada daadi ki kahaniyaan were sofulfilling .
When there was just one tv in every five houses and When bisleris were not sold in the trains and we were worrying if papas will get back into the train in time or not when they were getting downat stations to fill up the water bottle ..
When we were going to bed by 9.00 pm sharp except for the 'yeh jo haijindagi' day ..
When Holis & Diwalis meant mostly hand-made pakwaans and sweets and moms seeking our help while preparing them .
When Maths teachers were not worried of our mummys and papas while slapping /beating us ..
When we were exchanging comics and stamps and chacha-chaudaris and billus were our heroes ...
When we were in nanihaals every summer and loved flying kites and plucking and eating unripe mangoes and leechis ..
When one movie every Sunday evening on television was more than asked for and 'ek do teen chaar' and 'Rajni' inspired us .
When 50 paisa meant at least 10 toffees ...
When left over pages of the last years notebooks were used for rough work or even fair work .
When 'chelpark' and 'natraaj' were encouraged against 'reynolds and family' ..
When the first rain meant getting drenched and playing in water and mudand making 'kaagaj ki kishtis' ...
When there were no phones to tell friends that we will be at their homes at six in the evening .
When our parents always had 15 paise blue colored 'antardesis' and 5 paise machli wale stamps at home
When we remembered tens of jokes and were not finding 'ice-cream and papa' type jokes foolish enough to stop us from laughing ..
When we were not seeing patakhes on Diwalis and gulaals on Holis as air and noise polluting or allergic agents ...the list can be endless ..on the serious note I would like to summarise with .
When we were using our hearts more than our brains, even for scientifically brainy activities like 'thinking' and 'deciding' .
When we were crying and laughing more often, more openly and more sincerily .
When we were enjoying our present more than worrying about our future.When being emotional was not synonymous to being weak .
When sharing worries and happinesses didnt mean getting vulnerable to the listener .
When blacks and whites were the favourite colors instead of greys .
When journeys also were important and not just the destinations .
When life was a passenger's sleeper giving enough time and opportunityto enjoy the sceneries from its open and transparent glass windows instead of some superfast's second ac with its curtained, closed and dark windows ...

I really miss . do u?, if u do then please send this to all your friendsand loved ones.

HELP FIGHT CANCER {LET THE WORLD KNOW}

2006-11-27T07:01:00.000-08:00

Please forward to all of the women in your lives .. Mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, friends, etc.
In November, a rare kind of breast cancer was found. A lady developed a rash on her breast, similar to that of young mothers who are nursing. Because her mammogram had been clear,
the doctor treated her with antibiotics for infections. After 2 rounds, it continued to get worse, so her doctor sent her for another mammogram. This time it showed a mass.
A biopsy found a fast growing malignancy. Chemo was started in order to shrink the growth; then a mastectomy was performed; then a full round of Chemo; then radiation. After about 9 months of intense treatment, she was given a clean bill of health. She had one year of living each day to its fullest. Then the cancer returned to the liver area. She took 4 treatments and decided that she wanted quality of life, not the after effects of Chemo. She had 5 great months and she planned each detail of the final days. After a few days of needing morphine, she died. She left this message to be delivered to women everywhere:

Women, PLEASE be alert to anything that is not normal, and be persistent in getting help as soon as possible. Paget's Disease: This is a rare form of breast cancer, and is on the outside of
the breast, on the nipple and aureole It appeared as a rash, which later became a lesion with a crusty outer edge. I would not have ever suspected it to be breast cancer but it was. My nipple never seemed any different to me, but the rash bothered me, so I went to the doctor for that.
Sometimes, it itched and was sore, but other than that it didn't bother me. It was just ugly and a nuisance, and could not be cleared up with all the creams prescribed by my doctor and
dermatologist for the dermatitis on my eyes just prior to this outbreak. They seemed a
little concerned but did not warn me it could be cancerous.
Now, I suspect not many women out there know a lesion or rash on the nipple or aureole can
be breast cancer. (Mine started out as a single red pimple on the aureole. One of the biggest problems with Paget's disease of the nipple is that the symptoms appear to be harmless. It
is frequently thought to be a skin inflammation or infection, leading to unfortunate delays in
detection and care.)

What are the symptoms?
1. A persistent redness, oozing, and crusting of your nipple causing it to itch and burn
(As I stated, mine did not itch or burn much, and had no oozing I was aware of, but it did
have a crust along the outer edge on one side.)
2. A sore on your nipple that will not heal. (Mine was on the aureole area with a whitish thick looking area in center of nipple).
3. Usually only one nipple is effected. How is it diagnosed? Your doctor will do a physical exam and should suggest having a mammogram of both breasts, done immediately. Even though the redness, oozing and crusting closely resemble dermatitis (inflammation of the skin), your
doctor should suspect cancer if the sore is only on one breast. Your doctor should order a
biopsy of your sore to confirm what is going on.

This message should be taken seriously and passed on to as many of
your relatives and friends as possible; it could save someone's life.
My breast cancer has spread and metastasized to my bones after
receiving mega doses of chemotherapy, 28 treatments of radiation and
taking Tamaxofin. If this had been diagnosed as breast cancer in the beginning,perhaps
it would not have spread...
TO ALL READERS:
This is sad as women are not aware of Paget's disease. If, by passing this around on the e-mail, we can make others aware of it and its potential danger, we are helping women everywhere. Please, if you can, take a moment to forward this message to as many people as possible,
especially to your family and friends. It only takes a moment, yet the results could save a life.

OYE BALLE BALLE

2006-11-27T06:57:00.000-08:00

Pakistani, Bangladeshi and OUR Sardar are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun
and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the
air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink
out of the same glass twice either."

OUR Sardar, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.

He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to
drink with the same ones twice."

Balle Balle !!!!

SMART OLDIE

2006-11-23T06:37:00.000-08:00

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

THIS IS LIFE. A PRESENT. A true GEM.

2006-11-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air.
You name them - work, family, health, friends and spirit and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls family, health, friends and spirit - are made of glass.
If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life." How?
1. Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are
different that each of us is special.
2. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best
for you.
3. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would to your
life, for without them, life is meaningless.
4. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living
your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
5. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the
moment you stop trying.
6. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds
us to each other, together.
7. Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be
brave.
8. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find time. The quickest way to
receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best
way to keep love is to give it wings.
9. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where
you are going.
10. Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
11. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily
12. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.

Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery and Today is a gift: That's why we call it " The Present."

TRUE, PLEASE READ AND BE CAREFULL.

2006-11-21T06:30:00.000-08:00

Hi All, The below is true. This happens not only in other countries, it has also occurred in Malaysia, and neighboring countries. They just don'twish to publicize this scams. Read on and pass this to whomever you know or care for. This is a true story, it has been confirmed, the Medical Centre phone number at the end of this story is real. This guy went out on a Saturday night a few weeks ago to a party. He was having a good time and had acouple of beers and some girl seemed to like him & invited him to go to another party. He quickly agreed & decided to go along with her.She took him to a party in some apartment and they continued to drink,& even got involved with some drug (unknown). The next thing he knew,he woke up completely naked in a bathtub filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs, but looked around to see he was alone.He looked down at his chest, which had CALL 000 or YOU'LL DIE" written on it with lipstick. He saw a phone was on a stand next to the tub so he Picked it up & dialled. He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was & that he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling. She advised him to get out of the tub. He did,and he appeared normal, so she told him to check his back. He did, he found two 9 inch slits on his lower back. She told him to get back in to the tub immediately, and they sent a rescue team over. Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had happened. His kidneys were stolen. They were worth $10,000 each on the black market. Several guesses are in order: The Second party was a sham, the people involved had to be at least medical students & it was not just recreational drug he was given. Regardless, he is currently in the hospital on a life support, awaiting a spare kidney. The University of Sydney inconjunction with the Royal Prince Alfred hospital is conducting tissue research to match the victim with a donor. I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting business travellers. This ring is well organized and well funded, has very skilled personnel & is currently operating in most major cities around the world and recently very active in Sydney.The crime begins when a business traveller goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bathtub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 000. A phone is on the small table next to the bathtub for them to call.The business traveller calls 000 who have been quite familiar with this crime. The business traveller is instructed by the 000 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel there is a tube protruding from the back. The business traveller finds the tube andanswers "YES". The 000 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The Operator knows that both of the traveller's kidneys had been harvested. This is not a scam or out of science fiction novel. It is real. It is documented and confirmable. If you travel or someone close to you travels, please be careful. Sadly, this is very true. My friend's husband is a Sydney EMT and they have received alerts regarding this crime ring. It is to be taken very seriously. The daughter of a friend of a fire-fighter had this happen To her. Skilled doctors are performingthese crimes! (which, by the way have been highly noted in the Brisbanearea). Additionally, the military has received alerts regarding this. I REALLY WANT AS MANY PEOPLE TO SEE THIS AS POSSIBLE SO PLEASE BOUNCE THIS TO WHOEVER YOU CAN.

Michele ShaferDML/Lab AdministrationMedical Manager Research & Development99 Missenden RD , Camperdown, Sydney 2000Tel:(029)5156111;Fax:(029)4621505

THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

2006-11-21T06:22:00.000-08:00

For a perfect relationship...

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, cooks good, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh & she is cute.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in romance and who likes to be with you.

5. It's VERY, VERY, VERY important that these four women never meet each other !

Be Carefull GUYS

2006-11-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo
is staring at him doing the deed It was causing him so much anxiety So he finally decides ask about it. "Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Another boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery"

WE SURE DO HAVE A VERY VERY BRIGHT FUTURE

2006-11-21T06:12:00.000-08:00

Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry they are IAS Officers now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples andthree oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with onehand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.
Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question.""Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this."What comes first, Day or Night?" The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"" How" the interviewer asked, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!""

Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the master of simplicity."

SERVICE

2006-11-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning ofthe word "service."

"The act of doing things for other people".
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Telephone Service Civil ServiceCity/County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what Ithought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!.

SMILE ALL YOU LADIES

2006-11-21T06:01:00.000-08:00

and u guys cringe !!

He didn't like the curryAnd he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socksThe way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answerI was looking for a clue.
Isn't there anything I could doTo match his mothers shoe Then I smiled as I saw lightOne thing I could definitely doI turned around and slapped him tight...

Like his mother used to !!!!!

FAMILY

2006-11-18T18:02:00.000-08:00

F A M I L Y
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,common courtesy you use,but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"He smiled, "
I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILYAre you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

A Divine experience only with CITI BANK

2006-11-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hilarious !!

Banking --customer service! This is hilarious!!! . A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank, Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked>>> this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)>

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

(Priceless!!)

Four facts Of Life {True}

2006-11-09T06:28:00.000-08:00

Some times "One picture is worth a thousand words"
Tanx to long time Computer maven Dan W.

. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE!
This about sums it up

Keep on dancin even if you're alone on the floor!!! Giuseppe

Intresting trivia about F1 Car.

2006-11-09T05:38:00.000-08:00

à F1 car is made up of 80,000 components, if it were assembled 99.9% correctly, it would still start the race with 80 things wrong!

à When an F1 driver hits the brakes on his car he experiences retardation or deceleration comparable to a regular car driving through a BRICK wall at 300kmph!!!

à F1 car can go from 0 to 160 kph AND back to 0 in FOUR seconds!!!!!!!

à F1 car engines last only for about 2 hours of racing mostly before blowing up on the other hand we expect our engines to last us for a decent 20yrs on an average and they quite faithfully DO....that's the extent to which the engines r pushed to perform...

à An average F1 driver looses about 4kgs of weight after just one race due to the prolonged exposure to high G forces and temperatures for little over an hour (Yeah that's right!!!)

à At 550kg a F1 car is less than half the weight of a Mini.

à To give you an idea of just how important aerodynamic design and added down force can be, small planes can take off at slower speeds than F1 cars travel on the track.

à Without aerodynamic down force, high-performance racing cars have sufficient power to produce wheel spin and loss of control at 160 kph. They usually race at over 300 kph.

à In a street course race like the Monaco grand prix, the down force provides enough suction to lift manhole covers. Before the race all of the manhole covers on the streets have to be welded down to prevent this from happening!

à The refuelers used in F1 can supply 12 liters of fuel per second. This means it would take just 4 seconds to fill the tank of an average 50 liter family car. They use the same refueling rigs used on US military helicopters today.

à TOP F1 pit crews can refuel and change tyres in around 3 seconds. It took me 8 sec to read above point à During the race the tyres lose weight! Each tyre loses about 0.5 kg in weight due to wear.

à Normal tyres last 60 000 - 100 000 km. Racing tyres are designed to last 90 - 120 km.

à A dry-weather F1 tyre reaches peak operating performance (best grip) when tread temperature is between 900C and 1200C.(Water boils boils at 100C remember) At top speed, F1 tyres rotate 50 times a second.

And that's not Magic…. Its only the Power of Human Imagination…

Its just Fair.

2006-11-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man ofthe house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limitthe use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Laughter good for all (Santa Banta)

2006-11-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

Santa asks: Who r u?Wife: How dare u forget ur wife?Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai

Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r uremoving awheel from ur auto?Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only

Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye

Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?Doc: Haan, bilkul.Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.

Santa: Raat film main ek chudail kabhi mere aage, khabhi mere peechheghoomrahi thi...Jeeto: Koun si film thi ?Santa: Apni shaadi ki movie thi !

Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change thenamefromNASA to SATYANASA

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?Santa: I'm falling in love

Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?Santa: Suicide karne ke liyeBanta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye

Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets Jeeto: Why 3?Santa: For you and your parents

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko kyonghoorteho?Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay9am-11am

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess kheleinSanta: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand,oh!Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

In an interview,Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He gotirritated...drank poison & said,Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Captain of Military: Naujawanon aage bado Santa aage nahin bada Captain: Tum aage kyun nahin bade?Santa: Apne kaha 9 jawanon aage bado, mein 10ve number pe tha

Banta: Yaar teri wife ki maut ka bara afsos hua, vaise hua kya tha?Sant: Goli lagi thi mathe main.Banta: Waheguru ji ka shukar kar ke aankh bach gayi.

Santa apni khoobsurat Bibi k saath car mein baitha. Driver ne sheeshasetkiya. Santa gusse mein bola, meri bibi ko dekhkta hai, piche baith, car mein chalaoonga!

Santa: tainu Sunny Deol da phone no pata hai...?Banta: Nahin, kyon ki hoya?Santa: Yaaar asi Nalka patauna si.

Banta: U cheated me.Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is allIndiaRadio!

Sadhu: Bachcha teri biwi ko chuddail chipak gayee hai. Upaaye karvaao.Banta: Upayaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is mein harz hi kya hai ?

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?Santa: Tipu's skeleton.Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary.Santa: To dictionary dekh kar kharidni thi ...!

Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.Jeeto: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai

Banta: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?Santa: Oye tujhe yeh bhi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji ladki jarahiho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI

Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'

Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua?Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.

Smile u Have Nothing to Loose.

2006-11-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Similarities BRA and BAR Both are drinking joints Both have restriction time on closing and opening timings. Both are flashy. When open, both drive men mad

Why women wear undergarments with flowers printed on them? To pay tribute to men who got buried under them

Why was the sardar arrested in the political rally? Because he saw a lady journalist going with a badge on her chest which said PRESS' and he did

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible? THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER

Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay. Normal: cock-a-doodle-dooo !!! Retarded: doodle-cock-a-dooo !!! Gay: any-cock-will dooo!!!

Yesterday news - A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys. Today's News: - Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.

Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER. She replied: I RAISED 500 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

Secretary saw her boss' pant's zip open, she tells him, "Sir your Garage door is open." Boss : Did U see my FERRARI? Secretary : I saw a small scooter with 2 punctured wheels.

SMILE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE

Love & Marriage

2006-11-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

*A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheatfield and choose the biggest wheat and come back.But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn backto pick."The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat,but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is an even biggerone waiting for him.Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start torealise that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, heknow he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand. The teachertold him, "...this is love... you keep looking for a better one, butwhen later you realise, you have already miss the person...."**"What is marriage then?" the student asked.The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the cornfield and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: youcan go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not torepeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, hehas picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to theteacher.The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... you look forone that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the bestone you get.... this is marriage."*

Fun And Jokes with Morals..: Always speak the truth

2006-11-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Fun And Jokes with Morals..: Always speak the truth

Once upon a time there lived a king.The king had a beautiful daughter,the princess!But there was a problem.Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what; metal, wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt.Because of this, men were afraid of her.Nobody would dare marry her.The king despaired.What could he do to help his daughter.He consulted his wizards and magicians.One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that doesnot melt inher hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed.The next day, he held a competition.Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt wouldmarry her and inherit the king's wealth.Three young princes took up the challenge.The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is thehardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt.But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.He too was sent away disappointed.The third prince approached.He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is inthere."The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.She felt something hard.She held it in her hand.And it did not melt!!!The king was overjoyed.Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily everafter.But The Question Is :What was the object in the prince's pants?

They were Britannia Little Hearts of course! HAHAHA HAHE HE HE...They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.What were U thinking dirty mind.......????

Why Hang saddam??

2006-11-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

Hi, Everyone wants to hang Saddam, for his crimes against Humanity, but is hanging him going
to be of any use?? will the world gain any thing by it ? I feel it would make him a hero, and will
bring more bloodshed to this world, a better option would be to put him behind bars and let the
world forget him, let us not make him a hero, let us make an example of him. and now let us go get Osama.